Holonet News – Vol. 531 – #45

Holonet News

During the lead-up to Star Wars – Episode II : Attack of the Clones, the folks over at starwars.com created a fantastic in universe web site called Holonet News in which we got all kinds of news on the goings-on in the Star Wars universe and on Coruscant.

Here’s my attempt to archive some of the articles posted, including some hilarious ad banners.

Enjoy & Welcome to Holonet News

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Mass Aqualish Exodus Expected

WESTPORT, CORUSCANT — Freespan Starlanes Transport has announced plans to double the number of scheduled liner departures for Ando, predicting increased travel from Andoan expatriates wishing to return. Other major starlines, including Romodi Interstellar and Galaxy Tours are expected to announce similar increases.
Holonet News

Already, within hours of the secession, over 500 Aqualish have booked passage off Coruscant. Westport, which handles the bulk of Coruscant’s emigrant departures, has experienced a 6,000 percent increase in traffic since the separatist crisis began.

“It’s clear where home is now,” said a harried Unga Torr, an Aqualish formerly employed as a Senate clerk. He and his family are just one of hundreds at the Westport ticketing stations today.

According to official census records, there are an estimated 145 million Aqualish living on Coruscant right now, most in the Taung Heights region of the city. The local Heights economy, much of it run by — or catering to — Aqualish, is expected to crumble.

Similar repercussions aren’t likely to be as hard-hitting in the Sy Myrthian population, which also declared secession today. There are only an estimated 15 million Sy Myrthians, widely distributed among the various municipalities of Coruscant.

While Westport deals with a mass Aqualish exodus, Eastport continues to take in a non-stop flood of refugees from seceded worlds. “You think this is bad now, wait until those Aqualish who still want to be part of the Republic start spilling in,” said an Eastport security officer who did not want to be identified.

Stark Veterans Blast Amidala

Holonet NewsPHELAR, ERIADU — The Stark Veteran Assembly has publicly criticized Naboo Senator Padmé Amidala for statements attributed to her during a Peace Rally on Commenor. SVA Spokesbeing Laslo Dorits called Amidala’s statements “disgraceful, stupid and typical,” during a live interview on the Eriadu talk show, Essence, last night.

“Soldiers are expendable tools for politicians like her, who don’t like to muddy or bloody their hands with the defense of the Republic,” Dorits told host AndroosinLiann. “Yet it was soldiers who liberated her world a decade ago, and now she’s calling us cowards.”

The statement Dorits refers to is one Amidala made to a gathering of University of Commenor students during her planet-hopping Campaign against Republic Militarization. “Warfare is the product of cowardice; it takes bravery to forego easy answers and find peaceful resolutions,” the Senator said.

Amidala, who concludes her series of speeches on Chommel Minor next week, declined comment, but posted the following at the Naboo message exchange on the HoloNet.

“I have a great respect for the men and women tasked to protect their native soil. I too have lived with the specter of war, and will never forget it. What I don’t have respect for is needless warmongering of the type being conducted by alarmist elements in the Senate.”Holonet News

Holonet News
Nikto Cultists Plague Sisar Run

DNALVEC, SRILUUR – The Bureau of Ships and Services has announced an advisory for travelers near the Sisar Run area of the Periphery, due to increased acts of violence from the Nikto Cult of M’dweshuu.The violent “blood cult” of Nikto followers have found their way off their homeworld of Kintan, and are in the midst of a campaign of scattered violence up and down the Sisar Run. The Cult — believed to be under 100 individuals — has killed 27 travelers in occult mutilations, the latest last week at Nwarcol Point.

The Nikto cult predates the Republic and has been put down by the ruling Hutts on numerous occasions, each time supposedly being wiped out. The Cult once ruled the planet Kintan, necessitating the brutal Hutt annexation of the planet centuries ago.

Local businesses and planetary governments have issued open bounties on free Nikto in the Periphery. Many of these bounties offer rewards of 1,000-5,000 credits “dead or alive.” As such, free Nikto (those not in the employ of Hutts or Hutt enterprises) are strongly advised from travel in the Periphery.

Dorosii the Hutt, Appointed Intermediate to the Senate, has assured Republic officials that they can resolve the cult violence without government intervention. Nonetheless, the Jedi Council is reportedly examining the situation and is likely to dispatch a taskforce.

Holonet News

Holonet NewsDatanet Propaganda the Real Deal?

IBC ARCOLOGY, CORUSCANT — The most skilled slicers from MerenData are still puzzled how an IBC data-server was compromised for the spreading of separatist propaganda last week, even after having examined and purged the system.

IBC clients using the bank clan’s datacom-net would have received messages urging secession and Senate reform, with what looked to be a signature from Count Dooku. The Senate Bureau of Intelligence is dismissing the propaganda missives as hoaxes, but MerenData officials don’t readily concur.

“Ordinarily, we’d attribute this kind of vandalism to independent slicers looking to make a name for themselves,” said MerenData’s Security Administrator Gray Tucker. “But to cut into the banking clan’s network suggests that these people had impressive backing.”

IBC officials continue to tell investors that their systems are secure, and point to the fact that only their message-exchange systems were compromised, and not their more tightly guarded transaction channels. “The safety of our clients investment is always our paramount concern,” says IBC Chairman San Hill in a message that accompanies all account statements dispatched to investors this month.

RM&S; Debates Calendar Reform
MENNAA, MRLSST – The Republic Measures & Standards Bureau is debating the issue of calendar reform, prompted by an independent report citing “an impending bureaucratic crisis of disparate timekeeping” in official records. According to the report, there are over 20 different dating schemes in use in various government offices throughout the Republic, all of them “official” in some capacity. “The use of multiple timekeeping schemes was originally to accommodate different cultural backgrounds,” said RM&S; Chair Keelen Ma, “but now it’s just a tangled mess of confusion. We’ve got the Judiciary using the 10-month standard calendar, archivists using the Alderaanian 11-month notation, and infrastructure using a hexidecimal-based system. Researchers are getting tired of needing calendar converters in their pads.” The current debate stems over which zero-point year-notation system is the best, with the Great ReSynchronization of 13 years ago and the Ruusan Reformation of a millennium ago being popular contenders.
Holonet News
Rep. Binks Destroys Ice Statue at Gala Fundraiser
Holonet NewsJRADE PLAZA, CORUSCANT — He did it again; Representative Jar Jar Binks (Naboo) accidentally destroyed an elaborate ice statue at a gala fundraiser in Coruscant’s posh Jrade-district last night. The notoriously maladroit Binks apparently had tucked the tablecloth upon which rested the statue into his cummerbund, and he pulled down the intricately-crafted Kime Enanrum-original when he attempted to catch tumbling canapés he had knocked from a passing waiter. This incident echoes a similar one two months ago, when Binks accidentally deactivated the sky dome at the opening of the Endangered Shreebird Aviary. “I knew he was invited to attend,” said a crestfallen Enanrum, “I don’t know what I was thinking even bringing it here.”

Ando, Sy Myrth Secede

QUANTILL CITY, ANDO – Less than two standard hours after this morning’s secession of Ando and Sy Myrth was made official, jubilant anti-Republic protestors filled the streets of Quantill City’s busy Raquish Thoroughfare, celebrating the separation.This morning’s Senate session saw the formal departure of Ando and Sy Myrth from the Republic. The world’s representatives, Senators Po Nudo and Toonbuck Toora, respectively, did not appear in Senate, and instead tendered their resignations via droid proxy.

Aqualish from scattered territories and backgrounds converged in the city square, holding placards denouncing the Republic and celebrating their beloved Senator. At least several Republic Senate Guards were burned in effigy.

Holonet News“Ando will now determine her own future,” said a proud First Minister Daragi Hoba via hologram to the Andoan revelers. “It is meant to be, given the rampant hypocrisy of Palpatine’s Republic. The current dispute over the creation of a Republic army is just another in a long line of insults to the Aqualish people.”

Hoba was referencing the long history of Republic instituted demilitarization of the Andoan people, which often led to bloody conflicts like the Battle of Raquish, and the Horos Spine Incident.

Senator Nudo was not seen on Ando during the celebration, and is likely in-transit, returning from Coruscant.

The secession of Sy Myrth comes as little surprise to Coruscant insiders. Senator Toora had been absent from duty for over a standard month, and Republic transports destined for Sy Myrth have been declined passage for the past 25 days.

Senator Toora has long been a political opponent to Palpatine. A decade ago, she sided with Trade Federation representatives during the Naboo incident, and she has been a vocal critic of the Republic’s efforts to regulate Commerce Guild operations in the Outer Rim.

“Since Sy Myrth is largely self-sufficient and quite wealthy, I think the only thing the planet will ‘suffer’ is being released from the burden of Republic taxation,” said Sy Myrthian com-host and political commentator Brookish Boon during his morning broadcast.

The Chancellor’s Office was unavailable for comment, though these latest losses will most likely be addressed during tomorrow’s Senate session.

Holonet News

HoloNet NewsHoloNet News is Back and Secure

Following the unfortunate slicer attacks of 2:25, the free edition of HoloNet News is now back online and more secure than ever. Our networks now employ MerenData’s latest socketguards and a state-of-the-art Mandalmatrix system security administrator. We will spare no cost in providing you, the readers of the Republic, a fast, accurate and above-all, secure news experience.

We would like to remind readers that only the free-access version of the HoloNet News was affected. The full-subscription edition, available for only 45 credits and filled with up-to-the-minute updates from throughout the regions of the galaxy, was in no way disturbed. Remember, a HoloNet News full subscription makes a great gift!

We have been assured that the Judiciary is investigating the slicing matter. Our recovery applications are busily piecing together or former archives, and we ask for your patience while we recover our previous issues.

– The Editorial Staff of HoloNet News

IA Pulls R5’s Plug

RORDIS CITY, NUBIA — After a year of disappointing sales, Industrial Automaton president Julynn Kentas confirmed that the droid manufacturing giant is canceling production on their R5-series of astromech droids. The droid was originally marketed as an affordable alternative to the higher priced R2. However, cost-cutting measures led to compromises, or what Mechtech Illustrated called “a meter-tall stack of the worst business decisions you could possibly want.” IA hopes to recoup losses by reusing existing R5 shells in their moderately successful line of R2-AG and R4 agromech droids. The highly popular R2, R3 and R4 units will continue to see production.

Duros Dispute Encyclopedia

JYVUS SPACE CITY, DURO — Duros Chief Representative Officer Hoolidan Keggle formally criticized Triplanetary Press, the publishers of Encyclopedia Galactica during his State of the Union address. Calling their work “sloppy and insensitive,” Keggle took offense to the Neimoidian entry, which currently reads “See: Duros.” Said Keggle, “While we do recognize a distant, distant common ancestry, we have since gone very different ways. We simply do not understand how any could confuse our peoples with theirs.”

Podracing Banned on Caprioril

DOOLIS, CAPRIORIL — The efforts of the Ratts Tyerell Foundation have yielded the banning of Podracing on the planet Caprioril. Proconsul Shren Whist announced the closing down the Doolis Podrace Arena, which will be transformed into another facility whose function is yet to be determined. “We don’t want to see any more families torn apart by this unreasonably violent so-called sport,” said the victorious Pabs Tyerell, Foundation spokesbeing and son of the late Podracing champion Ratts, who died a decade ago in competition.

HoloNet NewsLess Hawk-bats Means Early Summer
WEATHERNET NODE, CORUSCANT — The Coruscant Weather Control Network (WeatherNet) will be switching to summer early this year at the request of the Wildlife Commission. In response to decreasing hawk-bat populations, the Wildlife Commission hopes to extend the hawk-bat mating cycle by making the summer longer for the indigenous birds. Summer temperatures and hours will begin on the 23rd. Autumn’s start date is not affected.

Holonet NewsNo Frills, No Thrills: The Mobquet A-1 Deluxe
By Clegg Holdfast

It’s hard to tell just what the “Deluxe” in the Mobquet A-1 Deluxe refers to. In an industry where the luxury slice of the consumer pie is quickly being gobbled by SoroSuub, Incom and zZip Motor Concepts, Mobquet Swoops and Speeders have decided to think cheap. The results are, well, on-target.

Holonet NewsThe Deluxe won’t be winning any awards for performance. Or appearance. Or just about anything else. But, to be fair, what can one expect for 6,500 credits standard?

The Mobquet A-1’s cost: 6,500 credits. Its worth? Well…

It’s a capsule-shaped craft, with pilot and passenger sitting in single file. This, to some, at least suggests the appearance of speed or invokes images of cloud car or suborbital hoppers. But opening the engines all out will only deliver about 160 kilometers per hour of raw speed – hardly the stuff records are made of.

Though not powerful, the engines are sturdy and reliable, the six RS-J24 thruster modules are well-crafted pieces, and the Mobquet A-1 shows ‘em off. In fact, it sacrifices logical ergonomics to do so – to crawl out of the craft, pilot and passenger must show faith in the cooling shrouds, lest they get burned by the exposed engines they have to crawl over!

And speaking of cooling, that’s the Deluxe’s other great flaw. A series of inlet ports on the speeder’s nose draws in air to cool the engine banks. The air channels bracket the engine compartment, but their insulation leaves much to be desired. Not only is noise contamination a problem, exterior odors pour into the cabin as well, making travel on polluted worlds a choking pain.

Mobquet’s Deluxe-1 campaign stresses affordability, but ask yourself – is that all you deserve? A functional speeder at a low cost? The standard model lacks any sort of amenities, including autopilot, entertainment module, and navigation beacon. Sure, they can be purchased as add-ons, but why bother? In its current configuration, the A-1 can only achieve an altitude of about two meters. Mobquet does offer an altitude sled package, but at nearly half the cost of the speeder it clearly isn’t worth it.

I suppose the A-1 is good for Outer Rim and frontier worlds. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’m stuck on the frontier, I sure don’t want to look the part. At the very least, it’s a good starter kit for the customizing craze that’s sweeping the Core’s youthful speeder crowd.

Data at a Glance
Manufacturer: Mobquet Swoops & Speeders
Model: A-1 Deluxe floater
Type: Landspeeder
Length: 7.1 meters
Crew: 1
Passengers: 1
Maximum Speed: 160 kilometers per hour
Maximum Altitude: 2 meters

Virgillian Jedi Envoy Declared Lost
VIRGILLIAN NODE – The Jedi diplomatic envoy dispatched to broker peace talks in the Virgillian Civil War has been declared lost after having been missing for three standard weeks. Four Jedi — Masters Ludwin Katarkus and Everen Ettene plus their Padawans Danyawarra and Halagad Ventor — left Coruscant last month to try to settle the two-year old conflict between the Virgillian Free Alignment and the Aristocracy. Upon arrival, their transport was attacked and destroyed. The Jedi Temple will be holding services for the fallen protectors tomorrow.
Holonet NewsMuja Attacks Junior League Xenoadmissions

ORONT, ELOM – Colorful smashball analyst Kav Muja blasted Elomin junior league officials during the second recess of the Ranphyx’s 4-2 loss to the Corellian Dreadnaughts.”Why are we losing to the worst team in the league?” shouted Muja. “It’s because we trained their best players. The galaxy sends their kids to our smashball schools, so the league turns around and says, `Sorry little Timi Elomin, you can’t learn to play smashball” Nari Naboo took your spot.’ You can’t fly a freighter when you’re chasing a cherfer. It’s a disgrace!”Muja’s tirade unexpectedly turned to interplanetary politics. “I’ve got a message for you planets talking about separating from the Republic. Just leave or don’t, but shut up about it. It’s been years of `we’re leaving” we mean it, we’re gunna go’. Listen! We don’t care, but don’t come back. I don’t want to see you at the Senate door next year.”

Priole Danna Festival Still a Go

GRYLE CITY, LAMUIR IV — Despite increasing tensions throughout the Republic, Lamuirian officials insist that the annual Priole Danna Festival will continue as scheduled.

Holonet NewsThe 2,345th festival is renowned as an energetic celebration of revelry, parades and dramatic reenactments on an otherwise placid planet, Lamuir IV. The most popular attraction is the Anapolla Musical Splash, which features famous recording artists and talented up-and-comers.

The Festival was in question following statements by last year’s master-of-ceremonies, Diva Arroquitas, to the effect that she refuses to travel during the current separatist crisis.

“Now more than ever people need to concentrate on life, music and love, and that’s exactly what the Priole Danna is all about,” assures Festival Director Eizzam Stachrini. The Festival is scheduled for to start on 13:6:12.

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